Marriage Retreat -Practical Tools

Here are some practical communication tools that we were excited to learn about at our marriage retreat at Deer Run this weekend. We wanted to share with you with hopes that it might be helpful for your marriage as well.

I. There are five levels of communication.

Sharing Cliches   (surface level)
Sharing Facts
Sharing Opinions
Sharing Feelings
Sharing Needs     (deepest level)
                     
Sharing opinions is where conflict occurs and a lot of couples get stuck there. We are striving, obviously, to get to the place where we feel safe enough to share our needs with each other.

II.  According to the book, The Voice of the Heart, there are 8 feeling words we can learn to use to communicate to each other about where our heart is at any given time. There is also the impaired version.We want to read the book and teach our children, so we can start learning to identify and communicate how we feel and learn to better understand each other.

Authentic                    Impaired
Sad                             Self-pity
Lonely                        Apathy
Anger                         Depression, Pride
Fear                           Rage, Anxiety
Hurt                           Resentment
Guilt                           Pride, Toxic shame
Shame                       Toxic shame, Shamelessness
Glad                           Lust, Entertainment


 III.  M.C.I. is a method of active listening that we learned about this weekend and also have been practicing in our marriage counseling. The object is for the talker to feel genuinely heard by their spouse. It is helpful to try to implement this method when discussing an area of conflict.

M - Mirroring -The talker shares small pieces of communication at a time. After each segment, the listener says back (mirrors) what (s)he heard word for word.

C - Clarifying - The listener asks, "Did I get that right?" or asks for clarification if necessary.

I - Inviting - Once the talker and listener feel satisfied that what was said was heard, the listener asks, "Is there more?"

My disclaimer here is that this looks a lot easier on paper than when you try to put it into practice. It's good to have a third party to help in the beginning stages, especially when talking about a sensitive topic.


IV. A daily check-in for spouses. Each spouse communicates 3 things while the partner listens. This should just take a few minutes to do.

    1. Feelings - Share your feelings (not your thoughts).
    2. Affirmation - Share something positive about your spouse.
    3. Needs - Ask for something you need.

This helps you to become present with each other and it cuts to that deepest level of communication, even if you don't have a lot of time. Be careful to "stay on your side of the street" for these, or it can qickly explode. This isn't a conversation. Just an opportunity for one spouse to share while the other listens.


Our teachers, Bob and Heidi Elder were so real and vulnerable. They were such a blessing and encouragement to us! It's really refreshing when people are genuine and don't feel the need to pretend that they don't have any issues in their lives. I'm finding that those are the kind of people that encourage me most.  Michael and I are striving to be real and to be genuinely known by others. God is revealing to us that we would love to be used by Him to intentionally minister to married couples.We pray that, by His grace, our marriage will be a testimony to His greatness and an accurate reflection to others of His great love for His Bride, the Church.

Marriage Retreat -Jill's reflections

 Allow me to set the stage for this entry...

I am lounging on a leather love seat, next to my husband. Chocolate fondue on my plate. The fire crackling beside me. Unfortunately, the cover of night is hiding the beautiful view of the trees and hills surrounding this cozy lodge.

God has given us a special gift this weekend! A gift he dropped into our laps out of the blue two weeks ago. I'm tempted to go into detail because it's such a great story! For now I'll just say that within 36 hours I came across an ad in parent magazine, applied for, mailed in and was granted a significant scholarship, and found generous friends to care for our children so we could attend a marriage retreat at Deer Run Retreat, just 20 minutes from our home. If you live within 10 hours driving distance, you should start saving to attend next year! It is a-mazing!! We tried to come with open hearts because God clearly flung the door open for us to be here this weekend!

I would like to share some things that God has revealed to me this weekend. I also want to share a bunch of practical tools we have learned, but I'll save that for my next entry.

1.) The greatest lie that men believe is... "I'm not enough."
God has shown me this before, but He has shown me again very clearly this weekend that, more often than not, I allow Satan to use me to reinforce this lie to Michael.  I criticize the way he spends his time, I point out areas he could improve in, I "challenge" him to step it up in certain areas, all the while reinforcing the lie he already struggles not to believe..."You're not enough! Not enough for me. Not enough for our family."

Ugh! Dagger in my heart! LORD, please forgive me. Michael, please forgive me.

May I be an instrument of God instead of an instrument of the enemy. May I be used to speak truth into my husband's life. "You are a gift. You are so special. I believe in you." That is what he needs to hear. That is TRUTH! It is my prayer that  I will be a wife that "brings her husband good, not harm, all the days of her life." (Prov. 31)

2.) Shame. It is not healthy or helpful. And I'm guilty! I shame my children.
"Why did you do that?!"
"How many times do I have to tell you?!"

I shame my husband with the tone of my voice or rolling my eyes as I walk away. I'm definitely condescending at times. Evidently, it's a way I try to control... to bring about a change I think needs to happen.

Instead I need to be curious, to try to understand what's going on in the heart... not so I can judge, shame, or control.  Simply, because I care.

"Every marriage moves either toward enhancing one another's glory or toward degrading each other" (from our workbook). If I'm honest about which one most accurately represents me lately, I'd have to admit to degrading. And that gives me shame. BUT I also learned this weekend that everytime you share with others, it cuts your shame in half. So now, I have half the shame. :)

3.) This one's a little bit more positive. But it starts with a confession. Since being appointed as a missionary, I have definitely experienced some spiritual attacks. A recurring battle is Satan whispering into my ear (at very strategic times) that we're not good enough. That we're too messed up to be missionaries. What do we have to offer? We can't even figure our own junk out. What kind of testimony do we think we are going to be?

Most of the time, God's grace allows me to squelch those fiery darts as soon as I see them coming. At discouraging times, however, I actually start to buy into the lies. "Who DO we think we are?! What good CAN we do? Maybe we're NOT worth investing in. There's no way we can do this."

Yesterday, God assured me of His truth through a low ropes course element! There are two wire cables about 20 inches off the ground, connected by cables to trees. They start off really close together at the first tree and gradually spread further apart until they're about 5-6 feet apart. The obstacle is about 35 feet long and has some trees thrown into the mix. The object is to work with your partner to get from the beginning to the end without falling off the wire cables.

We did fairly well our first attempt but fell off before we reached the end. We let everyone else take their turn attempting the feat. No one made it all the way across. When it was time to move on to the next element, Michael and I turned to each other and said at the same time, "We can do this!" We asked the facilitator if it would be okay if we stayed behind and attempted it again, while the rest of the group moved along to snack time (We didn't want to hold the group up.) He graciously let us try again, and we glided across those cables from beginning to end! (Okay, so there were a few grunts on my part along the way.) Right after this victory, I felt a very strong assurance from God that we ARE ready, that we CAN do this. He will not lead us where His hand will not provide for us. It WILL be challenging, without a doubt. But I now know with confidence that He has equipped us with what we need to accomplish the task He has set before us... thanks to this low ropes course element!:)

All in all, this retreat was a beautiful time of renewal and reconnecting for me and Michael. It exceeded our expectations, which if you know me is hard to do! We are so thankful for this precious gift from the LORD and the ways He encouraged our hearts. He is so good to us.