Identity Crisis

Who am I? I know the right answer. I am a daughter of the King, cherished and loved unconditionally. But do I really believe this?… Or do I tend to believe the lie that Satan feeds me?

performance + others’ opinions = my self worth    

If I’m honest, I fall into the performance trap Robert McGee writes about in his book The Search For Significance. 

I must meet certain standards to feel good about myself.

I must be disciplined in my spiritual life.

I must keep my house clean and orderly.

I must exercise regularly.

I must know that others like and admire me.

I must be productive.

I must accomplish.

I must serve.

I must…

Don’t you feel exhausted just reading this list?

• Are they bad things to aim for?   No.
• Do they please the LORD?   Yes (with the right motivation).
• Do I have to do all OR ANY of these things in order to have worth and value?   NO!
• Do I really believe that? …I’m not sure.

Where can I go to find and convince myself of the truth? God’s Word says…

God made him who had no sin [Christ] to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God. ~2 Corinthians 5:21

When he died on the cross, a display of His unconditional love for me, Jesus exchanged my sin and unworthiness for His righteousness and worthiness. Since I trust Him and have accepted His free gift of salvation, when God looks at me He no longer sees my sins and failures: He sees the righteousness of Christ in me! It is understandable why some have trouble accepting this gift. It is so extravagant! It’s unreasonable. Why would He do that? … Have you ever been in love? That’s how much God loves you (times a million :)

But God demonstrates His love for us in this, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. ~Romans 5:8 

And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again.   ~2 Corinthians 5:15.

Out of gratefulness and love for Him, of course I want to please Him by living according to His Word. But what if I fail? Do I lose my salvation? Does my worth diminish?

My salvation is secure for all eternity. In addition, God has given me a secure self-worth totally apart from my ability to perform. I have received Christ’s righteousness and am consequently a woman who is found fully pleasing to God, regardless of my performance.

Wow! What freedom lies in this truth! When I blow it, when I fail, when I drop the ball… I think God must look at me and see this: (my compost bin)



But that is simply not true. Regardless of my performance, regardless of what others may think of me…every time God looks at me He sees something more like this:



or this:



or maybe this:



Do you want to know more about what God thinks of you?  Read Isaiah 43:1-7 and insert your name after each “you” in the text. You will be blown away!

But this is what the LORD says  

He who created you, Jillian. He who formed you, Jillian. 

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you, Jillian; 

I have summoned you by name; you, Jillian, are mine. 

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, Jillian. 

And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you, Jillian. 

When you walk through the fire, you, Jillian, will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. 

For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior, Jillian. 

I give Egypt for your ransom, Jillian, Cush and Seba in your stead. 

Since you, Jillian, are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, Jillian. 

I will give men in exchange for you, Jillian, and people in exchange for your life. 

Do not be afraid, Jillian, for I am with you. 

I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west…everyone who is called by My Name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made. 

Isaiah 43:1-7

Does it bring you to tears to know the truth about how much God loves you…how precious you are to him? LORD, help me to get over myself and simply receive your love and your salvation and the worth that YOU have freely given me… worth that cannot be earned and cannot be taken away. I love you.

If you still need more affirmation about your worth to God, read on…

1. God uniquely created me. I am eternally valuable. 

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.   ~Psalm 139:13-14

2. God placed me in His family. I am unconditionally accepted.  

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God.  ~1 Peter 2:9

3.  God gifted me to fulfill His purpose. I am uniquely significant.  

For [I] am God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for [me] to do.   ~Ephesians 2:10

4. God delights in me.  

He will take great delight in [me], He will quiet [me] with His love, He will rejoice over [me] with singing.   ~Zephaniah 3:17

If you are convinced for the first time of God’s unconditional love for you and would like to make sure that you are a part of His family, please click here or please contact me, a fellow sister overwhelmed by His extravagant love for me! :)

Ministry Opportunities

We have been in Africa for about 3 months now… one month at Africa-Based Orientation School and 2 months at RVA. We LOVE it here! Have you ever had the sense of deep peace and contentment that you are exactly where God created you to be? We are currently enjoying this very blessing. RVA reminds me a lot of camp…just on a larger scale, for a longer time, and with a more global mission.

Most of the past two months have been spent learning the RVA culture and figuring out how life works here. We have been establishing a family routine, learning our way around campus, getting to know the staff (over 100) and learning the names of almost 500 students, figuring out how to furnish our home, learning where to buy/order particular foods, how to cook everything from scratch, how/where to take out cash, convert to shillings, and pay our bills, registering as legal aliens, catching on to the full schedule here, observing the needs on campus and figuring out where our gifts and experiences best fit.
It has been challenging for me to remain patient throughout this process as I am eager to jump in and get deep with the students and people in the community and see their hearts transformed by God. I am catching on that He is trying to teach me something here.

Most of our ministry will probably not be deep awesome transformational experiences, though I hope to witness some of that. Most of our ministry… just like yours… is being faithful to seek God daily so He can be doing deep transformational work in MY heart, to be faithful in prayer for the people He has put in my life (our family, the RVA students and staff, our supporters back home, the unreached that RVA families are working to share Christ with), to make the most of every opportunity to share God’s love and bring Him glory throughout the routine activities of my day, and to trust that He is working to accomplish His will throughout these simple yet important daily choices.

In light of all that, we are thankful for some opportunities God has given us to invest in lives during our first 9 weeks here.

Throughout the year RVA staff and students contribute money to help meet needs within our local community. Each Christmas we purchase food items to distribute to families who are in need.

On Christmas Eve morning, we gather as a community to pray over the families -that they will know the gifts are from God and know His greatest gift to them, His Son -that we might belong to Him and spend eternity with Him.

Then we divide into groups and go into the community to deliver the “hampers.”

At each home we share a message of God’s and our love for them, sing some carols, pray over them, and present them with the food hampers.

This man, Peter, told me that he is both the father and mother of these children. For some reason, this family stood out to me and I wonder if we might arrange for some women or older female students to come spend time with them as part as our monthly outreach as a school.

I thought the donkey was a beautiful symbol to the kids as we had been studying about Mary (with Jesus in her womb) and Joseph on the donkey traveling to Bethlehem.

The bond of children surpasses cultural boundaries :)

Tyler saying “Moo Moo Christmas” to the cow at one of the homes we visited.

This elderly lady provides and cares for all these kids.

We passed out candy and stuffed animals to the kids.

...which brought huge smiles to their faces! :)




This is downtown Kijabe, our local town, where we walk to buy local veggies and pick up odds and ends at the Supaduca… a supermarket the size of a small room. Otherwise we have to catch a ride and travel over an hour into Nairobi to do our grocery shopping.

This man saw my camera and asked me to take his photo.

Comfort and encouragement being offered and received.

The last home we visited at the top of a hill (a slippery hike up and down) had some fun animals the kids enjoyed.


We took a family photo to remember my favorite part of our first Kijabe Christmas

Here is Michael with Mr. Frazier, the former Bio. teacher, who has since left RVA. They were blessed with a couple weeks of overlap which has helped both Michael and the students with the transition to a new teacher mid-year.

Michael with some students as they study outside the Biology classroom. We will carry on the Frazier’s tradition of inviting the AP students into our home each Tuesday evening for study sessions.

This is our Caring Community Group (made up of seven 10th grade students), who come over once a month to hang out and build relationships.


Catch Phrase is always so entertaining! :)

This month (January), we made Christmas cookies together.

The guys actually won the contest for best decorated cookie.

We finally came up with a name for our group –The Leprechauns –don’t ask!



This was a Kindergarten fieldtrip Tyler and I came along on to spread some joy to the patients at Bethany –the pediatric ward of Kijabe Hospital (within walking distance of RVA).

The kids sang "Away in a Manger"…


..and passed out Christmas cookies they had made at their teachers house the previous day.

God definitely used these sweet Kindergarteners to spread His joy to these patients and their parents!


I love that they are learning to go out of their way to serve and show God’s love at such a young age and pray that this would help lay a foundation for future service for His Kingdom.

Here we are celebrating our inside worker, Elizabeth’s, birthday. We are thankful for the opportunity to provide employment for her, to get to know her, to serve and show God’s love to her family, and hopefully to be a testimony to her as she observes the ins and outs of our family and home life!

This is a party RVA hosted to honor and say thank you to all of our national full-time employees and their families. And when you invite the “family” in Africa –that’s not just your spouse and kids, but includes your aunts, sisters, brothers, children, parents, nieces, and nephews!

We served an African meal of roasted goat, rice, chapatis, mandazis…and American cakes and cookies for dessert.

We had lots of fun activities planned…

boys against girls tug-of-war



team building activities


slip-n-slide



tug-of-war –women against men –these women gave the men a run for their money!


Traveling band of acrobats for entertainment! They were incredible!!

But the balloons may have been the biggest hit of all!

These girls latched themselves onto me for a good part of the afternoon. Even though we could not understand each other because of language barriers –we all understood the game “I chase you, you giggle and run away” :)



This is a little prayer chapel located on campus, not too far from our house.

Inside are some pews, a kneeling bench for prayer at the foot of the cross, and some Bibles and notebooks the students can use to hear from and speak to God.

I spent an afternoon reading through the prayer notebooks and then offering up my own prayers for the students and staff here at RVA.

I am most thankful for the opportunity to have a window into the hearts and struggles of students past and present. To be reminded that just because these are “Missionary Kids” doesn’t mean they don’t have spiritual struggles any more than being a “missionary” means I don’t have any heart struggles!

Michael and I are praying for God to reveal to us his children on campus who are hurting or doubting or in need of assurance of God’s Truth and His love for them. We are prayerfully seeking out opportunities and trying to make ourselves available and trustworthy for students to open up to and go deeper with. It is our desire to be vessels of God’s love. His hands, his feet, his voice, his arms of comfort. Here at a boarding school for missionary kids –the needs are the same as those all around you –people desperately in need of a touch from the Savior.




This was written by a student at the time of her graduation from RVA. I was blessed to see the way the LORD worked in her life during her time here at RVA.

I have no idea what this says, but I love the diversity of our God and His people and the way we communicate with Him. He is the Creator of us all and Lover of each of our souls –He is so much greater and more diverse than we can imagine! What a privilege to serve Him in this capacity! :)

*Click here for current prayer requests