One of our passions is building strong families amidst the demands of full-time ministry. To this end, Jill organized a forum last term for the female staff at RVA to encourage each other in our family lives. Esther O’Donovan spoke to us about balancing
family and ministry. Her notes are included at the end of this post in case you're interested, but here are a
some of her main points:
1.
Find ways to involve your children in your ministry.
2.
Be intentional. Plan special things.
3.
Take time to train your children.
4.
Be consistent in discipline.
The following is a compiled list of ideas shared by some of the women at RVA:
Daily Life
· Establish family traditions, great and small
· Pray as a family
for one supporter/family member at breakfast each morning (make prayer cards
with pictures to facilitate this).
· Short family devos
over breakfast.
· Share highs and
lows from your day at dinner.
· Read together as a
family after dinner or on select nights.
· Schedule Family
Worship Night ... make a special snack, read God’s Word, plan a fun object
lesson, sing, pray, etc...
· Pray individually
with each child as you tuck him/her into bed.
· Designate a day of
the week when one child gets to stay up for one hour after the other kids go to
bed to have a date with mom and dad.
· Memorize Scripture
together... practice during meals.
· Identify each
child’s love language and write out ways you will show love to each child. See
practical ideas here.
· Greet your child
with a hug and kiss when they wake up, leave, come home, go to bed, etc…
· Let your kids join
you in things you like to do...Yoga, fishing, hiking, scrapbooking, reading,
facebook, etc…
· Find out what your
kids love and do it with them (build legos, listen to their music, ride bikes,
read a chapter of their book aloud with them, etc…)
· Let your kids in on
what’s going on in your day. Ask them to pray for these things, then give them
updates over dinner.
· Share with your
kids something you learned in your quiet time.
· Teach your children
to hug and kiss each other goodnight and say, “I love you and I’m thankful
you’re my brother.”
· Invite friends over
to celebrate holidays
· Weekly game night
with popcorn.
· Weekly pizza and
movie night.
· Let your kids take
turns inviting a friend for dinner on a designated day each week.
· Have a family over
for brunch on AIC Sundays.
· Choose one child to
go with you to town to grocery shop –let them pick out a treat to bring home
for their siblings
· Do chores together:
great conversations can happen while doing dishes or gardening side-by-side.
· Have a “laundry
party” where everyone is folding the laundry and having fun together
· Help one of your
kids to plan and prepare a meal for the family
· Establish “Happy
Marks” sticker chart to acknowledge when your kids do the right thing. Rewards
are picked out of a jar of special pre-planned activities to do with that
child. (ex. climb the water tank after dark, picnic snack date after school at
upper field, walk to dukas to pick out a treat…)
Over Break
· Establish annual
vacations (to the Coast, picnic at Hell’s Gate Park, etc…)
· As a family,
brainstorm fun ideas to do together over break. Put them on the calendar and
enjoy the anticipation and the activity as a family
· Plan a family
sleepover... go away, camp out in your backyard, your living room, etc…
· Choose a theme for family
devotions over break.
· Set up 1:1 dates
with your kids
· Read a fun book
aloud as a family (ex: City of Embers- link or Tales of the Kingdom- link)
· Blast music and
have a dance party
· Plan a family craft
night
· Themed meals (let
your kids plan)
· Games/tournaments
with fun prizes
· Puzzle races
· Hikes
· Walks
· Picnics
· Plant a sunflower
garden/fort for kids
· Protect the family
by setting some boundaries about how many nights older kids can be away from
home
· Prepare an
international meal and pray for the missionaries and people in that area
· Find an outreach
project that you can do as a family
· Dorm Parents:
Before arrival day, walk through the dorm and pray over each room and in-coming
student as a family. It is important the kids know that they are a part of our
ministry.
These were just a
few ideas! I know there are many more, so if you have other ideas, please share
them!
Resources
Mom’s Guide to the Five Love Languages of Children (link)
-----------------------------------
There are long genealogies in the Bible that remind us that it is a story about a FAMILY. It begins with a couple created by God who are the ancestors of all the human beings on the earth. GE 10:32 These are the clans of Noah's sons, according to their lines of descent, within their nations. From these the nations spread out over the earth after the flood.
AND the Bible is full of MINISTRY. . . the progress and the plan of redemption that God had and has to redeem us from lives of destruction and the evil one and His plan for US to be ministers of reconciliation to bring men to God!
HOW DO WE BALANCE FAMILY AND MINISTRY?
First of all, a personal testimony. . . . In 1975 we were on our second home assignment and my husband, Bill, was asked by our mission to write his Master’s thesis on the topic we are talking about today! In the process, he surveyed two groups of missionary’s children. He was shocked and saddened to see the effect on M.K.’s whose father’s (especially) spent more time with the nationals they’d be called to minister to than their own children. When we returned to our ministry in Nigeria, a Bible College, we were on a station with a number of older single ladies and an older missionary couple that were ‘workaholics’. Without being excessive, we were determined that our children would be a priority in our lives and were frowned on as we took time to visit them on weekends at their boarding school or had them home for long weekends whenever possible. Since we did not have them with us year round, we made sure that our times together were well planned and were quality. We tried to be at their boarding school for as many important events in sports, drama and recitals as was possible and reasonable.
Thankfully, many missions were feeling pressure about the needs of missionary parents and their children and were beginning to change in their rules and unwritten rules of what was expected. Bill and I had considered ourselves ‘rebels’ to a certain extent so we were very surprised when our mission asked Bill to write the mission’s Position Statement on the Relationship of the Missionary between his ministry and his family!
The pendulum was swinging back from the hard expectations due to many influences:
-People like Dobson were writing books about the family and were on the radio and TV
-Homeschooling became more acceptable and good materials were generated
-More open mindedness in missions towards the family’s needs
-Jet age- more moving back and forth, children visiting more often and families being present at important milestones in their children’s lives
-Reentry seminars: Dave Pollack and others started to talk about M.K.’s needs: bad and good came out
My regret: the vocal negative minority has done a lot of damage to the M.K. image because the positive majority hasn’t been heard.
What does the Bible have as principles that we can follow?
DISCIPLING OUR OWN CHILDREN IS A PRIORITY
I Tim.5:8 "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever". (Paul’s advice to Timothy on widows, elders, etc.)
Prov. 1:8,9 “ Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.”
II Cor.12:14 “. . . .children should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children. 15 So I will very gladly spend for you everything I have and expend myself as well.” (Paul is their spiritual father)
COL 3:21 “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. “ (21 The specific mention of "fathers" suggests that the father as head of the household has a special responsibility for training the children.)
I Tim. 3:4 “He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. 5 (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)” Or, ‘how can he be a missionary overseas?’ This is said about the overseer and about the deacon as well in verse 12. The same is repeated in other epistles.
EPH 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
PR 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
PS 78:5 He decreed statutes for Jacob and established the law in Israel, which he commanded our forefathers to teach their children, 6 so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children.7 Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands.
DT 4:9 Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them. Deut. 6:1-9 . . . so many good verses about training your children! Deut. 11:19 repeats the same things!
Deut. 32:46 he (Moses) said to them, "Take to heart all the words I have solemnly declared to you this day, so that you may command your children to obey carefully all the words of this law. 47 They are not just idle words for you--they are your life.
Job 1:5 When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would send and have them (his children) purified. Early in the morning he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, "Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts." This was Job's regular custom.
There are some examples in the Bible of families. Three families that stand out are the families of Abraham, Issac and Jacob. Some of their problems stemmed from conniving, jealous wives and their offspring suffered for it.
Then there were three priests- Aaron, Eli and Samuel who were ‘full time servants of the Lord’. Aaron’s sons, Nadab and Abihu offered unauthorized fire before the Lord, contrary to His command. Fire came out from the presence of the Lord and consumed them. (Lev. 10). He had two other sons, Eleazar and Ithamar. Eleazar had a good record. He went with Joshua, whom he had commissioned, into the promised land and served the Lord with Joshua. Eleazer’s son, Phinehas was zealous for God’s honor and had a lasting priesthood because of it.
The story of Eli is the sad story of all men or women of God who are too busy to give attention to their families. In
I Samuel 2:12 we read, “Eli's sons were wicked men; they had no regard for the LORD.” Eli must have been bombarded with the reports about the behavior of his sons.
-----------------------------------
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES ABOUT THE PRIORITY AND
THE BALANCE BETWEEN THE MISSIONARY’S MINISTRY AND FAMILY
Talk given by Esther O’Donovan at a family forum for women
at RVA. (June 2013)
There are long genealogies in the Bible that remind us that it is a story about a FAMILY. It begins with a couple created by God who are the ancestors of all the human beings on the earth. GE 10:32 These are the clans of Noah's sons, according to their lines of descent, within their nations. From these the nations spread out over the earth after the flood.
AND the Bible is full of MINISTRY. . . the progress and the plan of redemption that God had and has to redeem us from lives of destruction and the evil one and His plan for US to be ministers of reconciliation to bring men to God!
HOW DO WE BALANCE FAMILY AND MINISTRY?
First of all, a personal testimony. . . . In 1975 we were on our second home assignment and my husband, Bill, was asked by our mission to write his Master’s thesis on the topic we are talking about today! In the process, he surveyed two groups of missionary’s children. He was shocked and saddened to see the effect on M.K.’s whose father’s (especially) spent more time with the nationals they’d be called to minister to than their own children. When we returned to our ministry in Nigeria, a Bible College, we were on a station with a number of older single ladies and an older missionary couple that were ‘workaholics’. Without being excessive, we were determined that our children would be a priority in our lives and were frowned on as we took time to visit them on weekends at their boarding school or had them home for long weekends whenever possible. Since we did not have them with us year round, we made sure that our times together were well planned and were quality. We tried to be at their boarding school for as many important events in sports, drama and recitals as was possible and reasonable.
Thankfully, many missions were feeling pressure about the needs of missionary parents and their children and were beginning to change in their rules and unwritten rules of what was expected. Bill and I had considered ourselves ‘rebels’ to a certain extent so we were very surprised when our mission asked Bill to write the mission’s Position Statement on the Relationship of the Missionary between his ministry and his family!
The pendulum was swinging back from the hard expectations due to many influences:
-People like Dobson were writing books about the family and were on the radio and TV
-Homeschooling became more acceptable and good materials were generated
-More open mindedness in missions towards the family’s needs
-Jet age- more moving back and forth, children visiting more often and families being present at important milestones in their children’s lives
-Reentry seminars: Dave Pollack and others started to talk about M.K.’s needs: bad and good came out
My regret: the vocal negative minority has done a lot of damage to the M.K. image because the positive majority hasn’t been heard.
What does the Bible have as principles that we can follow?
DISCIPLING OUR OWN CHILDREN IS A PRIORITY
I Tim.5:8 "If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever". (Paul’s advice to Timothy on widows, elders, etc.)
Prov. 1:8,9 “ Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching. They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.”
II Cor.12:14 “. . . .children should not have to save up for their parents, but parents for their children. 15 So I will very gladly spend for you everything I have and expend myself as well.” (Paul is their spiritual father)
COL 3:21 “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. “ (21 The specific mention of "fathers" suggests that the father as head of the household has a special responsibility for training the children.)
I Tim. 3:4 “He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. 5 (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)” Or, ‘how can he be a missionary overseas?’ This is said about the overseer and about the deacon as well in verse 12. The same is repeated in other epistles.
This verse is key to our discussion today. (Story of student telling Bill about how he modeled
what he taught in the classroom.) Making our children a priority in our
ministry will be a good testimony and enhance our ministry 100%! We will
be teaching by example. Our teaching and ministry will be of little
effect if we do not practice what we preach. Our children can enhance and
be a part of our ministry as we take seriously our responsibility to disciple
them!
TEACHING CHILDEN
EPH 6:4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
PR 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
PS 78:5 He decreed statutes for Jacob and established the law in Israel, which he commanded our forefathers to teach their children, 6 so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children.7 Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands.
DT 4:9 Only be careful, and watch yourselves closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. Teach them to your children and to their children after them. Deut. 6:1-9 . . . so many good verses about training your children! Deut. 11:19 repeats the same things!
Deut. 32:46 he (Moses) said to them, "Take to heart all the words I have solemnly declared to you this day, so that you may command your children to obey carefully all the words of this law. 47 They are not just idle words for you--they are your life.
Job 1:5 When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would send and have them (his children) purified. Early in the morning he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, "Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts." This was Job's regular custom.
There are some examples in the Bible of families. Three families that stand out are the families of Abraham, Issac and Jacob. Some of their problems stemmed from conniving, jealous wives and their offspring suffered for it.
Then there were three priests- Aaron, Eli and Samuel who were ‘full time servants of the Lord’. Aaron’s sons, Nadab and Abihu offered unauthorized fire before the Lord, contrary to His command. Fire came out from the presence of the Lord and consumed them. (Lev. 10). He had two other sons, Eleazar and Ithamar. Eleazar had a good record. He went with Joshua, whom he had commissioned, into the promised land and served the Lord with Joshua. Eleazer’s son, Phinehas was zealous for God’s honor and had a lasting priesthood because of it.
The story of Eli is the sad story of all men or women of God who are too busy to give attention to their families. In
I Samuel 2:12 we read, “Eli's sons were wicked men; they had no regard for the LORD.” Eli must have been bombarded with the reports about the behavior of his sons.
1SA 2:17 This sin of the young men was very
great in the LORD's sight, for they were treating the LORD's offering with
contempt. He would have understood the African proverb, ‘the child you
did not train well will sell the house and the business you were so busy
building’. His children seemed poised to destroy his life’s work. His
rebuke to his sons suggests something of what the problem may have been.
Instead of taking firm action to stop their behavior, he despairingly
asked, ‘Why do you do such things? I hear from all of the people about
these wicked deeds of yours’. (v. 23). His sons ignored his words. They
went from removing some of the sacrificial meat to forcefully collecting the
best meat and then to immorality with the women who served at the entrance to
the Tent of Meeting (v.22).
I wonder if Eli’s sons, like so many children of men and women in the ministry, were neglected and not trained because their parents/fathers were too busy in ‘the ministry’. Eli was so reluctant to act that God had to send a messenger to rebuke him and he removed Eli and his descendants from the lineage of priests. His sons died in a battle that was lost and the ark of God was captured.
I wonder if Eli’s sons, like so many children of men and women in the ministry, were neglected and not trained because their parents/fathers were too busy in ‘the ministry’. Eli was so reluctant to act that God had to send a messenger to rebuke him and he removed Eli and his descendants from the lineage of priests. His sons died in a battle that was lost and the ark of God was captured.
(Pieces from the African Bible Commentary,
pg. 333-335)
Samuel, after Eli, was a mighty man of God and served God faithfully. In I Samuel 8:1-5 we read, 1SA 8:1” When Samuel grew old, he appointed his sons as judges for Israel. 2 The name of his firstborn was Joel and the name of his second was Abijah, and they served at Beersheba. 3 But his sons did not walk in his ways. They turned aside after dishonest gain and accepted bribes and perverted justice.” Here again we might possibly have an example of a father that was too busy to train and spend time with his own children.
In our many years in Africa, in three different countries, we have been saddened by the way God’s people and God’s ministers will separate from each other for long lengths of time for education and jobs, bringing temptation and lack of family training and oneness. And, too often, great men of God in Africa will leave their families for long lengths of time for ‘ministry’ to the detriment of their families.
I’m sure I could have found more scripture principles to build this case on but it would have kept you too long this afternoon. I think we can conclude from our overall knowledge of scripture that as we have been given our children from the Lord, we are responsible to train them in His ways and commands and not neglect to do this because we are too busy in ministry. Presenting them to the Lord as the ‘treasures’ that we have laid up in Heaven along with all of the other ministries and people we have brought to the Lord and discipled will receive His ‘WELL DONE’.
Christ’s authority, stated in the Great Commission, grants the availability of His wisdom to BALANCE assigned responsibilities and family responsibilities in such a way that neither will be neglected.
Samuel, after Eli, was a mighty man of God and served God faithfully. In I Samuel 8:1-5 we read, 1SA 8:1” When Samuel grew old, he appointed his sons as judges for Israel. 2 The name of his firstborn was Joel and the name of his second was Abijah, and they served at Beersheba. 3 But his sons did not walk in his ways. They turned aside after dishonest gain and accepted bribes and perverted justice.” Here again we might possibly have an example of a father that was too busy to train and spend time with his own children.
In our many years in Africa, in three different countries, we have been saddened by the way God’s people and God’s ministers will separate from each other for long lengths of time for education and jobs, bringing temptation and lack of family training and oneness. And, too often, great men of God in Africa will leave their families for long lengths of time for ‘ministry’ to the detriment of their families.
I’m sure I could have found more scripture principles to build this case on but it would have kept you too long this afternoon. I think we can conclude from our overall knowledge of scripture that as we have been given our children from the Lord, we are responsible to train them in His ways and commands and not neglect to do this because we are too busy in ministry. Presenting them to the Lord as the ‘treasures’ that we have laid up in Heaven along with all of the other ministries and people we have brought to the Lord and discipled will receive His ‘WELL DONE’.
Christ’s authority, stated in the Great Commission, grants the availability of His wisdom to BALANCE assigned responsibilities and family responsibilities in such a way that neither will be neglected.
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