What to do with this anxious heart?

LORD,

I do not think it's possible for us to have everything in order by July. The weeks and months are flying by. And daily responsibilities and relationships are still requiring my time and attention. I'm having trouble finding all the extra time needed to write support letters, thank yous, read the required books, design prayer cards, fill in forms, complete the required course work, etc...

As you can see, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. Of course Christmas, traveling, and financial stresses are also in the mix right now.

LORD, calm my racing heart. I want You to relieve this pressure, this seemingly impossible deadline. To relieve the stress that I'm carrying.

But, I have a sneaking suspicion that's not Your plan. Michael's perspective further confirms that suspicion.

You know me...I like a plan. I like a time table. I like to be in control. I like to make things happen. I try to find my peace in being on top of things.

I think that instead of relieving it, you are asking me to live in this tension... to struggle through it. To press into You, to seek You daily as I prioritize what you would have me to do TODAY.. this hour... this moment. To realize and accept that I cannot make this happen by July. To leave room for Your glory, if this does all somehow come together by July. To find rest and peace in You amidst the unknown, amidst the undone.

Because I know Your Word, there are a few things I know with certainty that you want from me right now...

You want me to keep my eyes fixed on You, the author and perfecter of my faith. (Hebrews 12:2)

You want me to find rest and refuge in You, where I will not be shaken. (Psalm 62:5-6)

You want me to come to You with my concerns and trade in my anxiety for Your peace that transcends all understanding. (Philippians 4:6-7)

You want me to seek You above all and trust You to work everthing else out. You want me to stop worrying about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. (Matthew 6:33-34)

You want me to trust the plans that You have for our family and trust You to bring them to fruition in Your timing. (Jeremiah 29:11)

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast because they trust in You." (Isaiah 26:3)

Jesus, help me to trust You with all of my heart instead of leaning on my own understanding or perception. Help me to acknowledge You in all my ways and trust You to direct our path. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Hmmm. I'm not feeling so anxious anymore... :)

I'll keep plugging away, one day at a time. Just show me how to use the time that You have given me today... I'll be asking you again, tomorrow.

Confessions of a Missionary -#3

Preparing for missions isn't just about raising support and taking missions classes. The greatest preparation is (or at least should be) taking place in our hearts. I used to have this preconceived notion that missionaries are more spiritual than most or that they have it all together. They certainly don't struggle with sin in their life!


Well, since being appointed as missionaries, we can now confidently assure you that none of that is true! And to prove it, I'm going to be a little vulnerable and put my sinful heart out there for you to see. Why? To encourage you that we are all struggling along this life journey together and hopefully to share in the victories that God WILL bring along our journeys. And, lastly, to keep this new missionary humble!

October 25, 2011

I had a break through last night!

I had just had this emotional experience, which was challenging, BUT I felt this deep sense that God was with me. I was trying to describe it to Michael.

"I feel like God is with me. I feel His comfort. His protection. His love.
I feel like I'm good enough."

"Good enough for what?" asks Michael.

"I just feel like I'm good enough."

I start crying a little and Michael suggests, "Maybe that's your core fear" (something I've been trying to figure out lately.)

I nod and agree, crying harder now.

So, that's the break through! I can finally pinpoint a long-time struggle in my life. From the outside it looks like I'm driven and motivated. The truth is, I strive like crazy to prove to myself and to others that I'm good enough. I seek affirmation from others and feel hurt, disappointed, and even frustrated when I don't get what I'm looking for from them.

It doesn't matter what others think of me or even what I think of myself, for that matter.

The truth is... I am good enough, just as I am.

In all my wretched sin and imperfections, Christ considered me good enough to give up His life for. What a blessed truth! How freeing! I am free to enjoy my walk with Christ, apart from the burden of constantly striving to prove myself!

Of course, I hope that with God's grace and power working in me I will continue to grow and mature in godliness, as a wife, as a mother, as a friend, as a missionary, as a home manager, etc...

But the beautiful truth I can rest in is that even if, for some reason, I never grow or mature past this point...

I'm good enough!

I always have been.
I always will be.
Jesus says so.

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.

But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:5,8)

Confessions of a Missionary -#2

Preparing for missions isn't just about raising support and taking missions classes. The greatest preparation is (or at least should be) taking place in our hearts. I used to have this preconceived notion that missionaries are more spiritual than most or that they have it all together. They certainly don't struggle with sin in their life!


Well, since being appointed as missionaries, we can now confidently assure you that none of that is true! And to prove it, I'm going to be a little vulnerable and put my sinful heart out there for you to see. Why? To encourage you that we are all struggling along this life journey together and hopefully to share in the victories that God WILL bring along our journeys. And, lastly, to keep this new missionary humble!

September 10, 2011

Finally. My very own blog. The opportunity I've been waiting for to share my ideas... my wisdom with the world. You lucky readers! Your lives will never be the same!

Barf.

Do you notice a recurring theme in that paragraph? Me... My... I... My...
It sounds as if I want this blog to be all about MY ideas and for MY glory.

Confession time.

LORD, you know better than anyone (myself included) that I feel this need to prove my worth to others. That I feed off of others' approval of me.

My great and jealous God. You will have no other gods in Your place. (Exodus 20:3). You will allow none to take from Your Glory.

Thank You for allowing me to see the sinful motivations of my heart.

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what His deeds deserve." (Jeremiah 17:9-10)

Sweet Jesus, this blog is for YOU and for YOUR Glory.
This missions work in Africa is for YOU and for YOUR Glory.
This life is for YOU and for YOUR Glory.

[You] must become greater; I must become less." (John 3:30)

Confessions of a Missionary -#1

 Preparing for missions isn't just about raising support and taking missions classes. The greatest preparation is (or at least should be) taking place in our hearts. I used to have this preconceived notion that missionaries are more spiritual than most or that they have it all together. They certainly don't struggle with sin in their life!


Well, since being appointed as missionaries, we can now confidently assure you that none of that is true! And to prove it, I'm going to be a little vulnerable and put my sinful heart out there for you to see. Why? To encourage you that we are all struggling along this life journey together and hopefully to share in the victories that God WILL bring along our journeys. And, lastly, to keep this new missionary humble!

September 10, 2011

God doesn't care what color or font we use on our website. He doesn't care which family picture we post.

He cares about our hearts. About a deep, growing relationship with Him.

Confession time.

Which do you think has been occupying the majority of my thoughts and time lately?
...You guessed it.

My LORD, please forgive me for losing sight of what matters most to You.

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." (Psalm 51:10)

Father, You are the vine; I am a branch. If I remain in You, I will bear much fruit; apart from You, I can do nothing. (John 15:5)

Thank You for reminding me in Your Word,
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit -fruit that will last." (John 15:16)

LORD, I am unworthy of Your calling. I have nothing good to offer in and of myself, except that which You have given me. But, LORD, I am willing and eager. If You can...if You will, use me to accomplish Your purposes here on Earth that Your Holy Name may be glorified among all men.

Amen.